Synopsis: a number of images of Chuck Norris with Bruce Scheier's head captioned with a modified Chuck Norris fact
Schneier words: Privacy, Plaintext, Encryption, Crypto, Risk Assessment, Security Theatre, Fraud, symmetric-key, asymmetric-key, cryptanalysis, codebreaking, authentication, digital signatures, frequency analysis, Enigma machine, integer factorisation, discrete logarithm, one-time pad, information theory, computational complexity, statistics, combinatorics, abstract algebra, number theory, block cipher, message authentication code, cryptographic hash, Whitfield Diffie and Martin Hellman, chosen-ciphertext attack, linear cryptanalysis, elliptic curve, side-channel attack, traffic analysis, one-way function, pseudorandom generator, one-way permutations, trapdoor permutations, interactive proofs, secret sharing, zero-knowledge, secure multiparty computation, cryptographic primitive, Wassenaar Arrangement, Clipper chip, Capstone, Skipjack
- If Bruce Schneier wants your plaintext, he'll just squeeze it out of the ciphertext using his barehands
- Bruce Schneier got a perfect score on his comp-sci degree. Just by writing Bruce Schneier for every answer.
- Bruce Schneier memorizes his one time pads
- Bruce Schneier can reverse any one-way cryptographic hash, just by staring it in the eye
- Bruce Schneier once found the inverse of a trapdoor function counting only on the fingers of one hand
- The output of Bruce Schneier's pseudorandom generator follows no describable pattern and cannot be compressed.
- Bruce Schneier mounts chosen-ciphertext attacks without choosing the ciphertext
- Beyond computational complexity, there is Scheiertational complexity
- Bruce Schneier can straighten out an elliptic curve with nothing but his teeth
- Bruce Schneier makes abstract algebra look like elementary algebra.
- Whitfield Diffie and Martin Hellman use only their surnames out of fear of Bruce Schneier
- Bruce Schneier can conduct secure multiparty computation... on his own
- Bruce Schneier mounts side-channel attacks through the front channel
- Bruce Schneier's discrete logarithms are uncountable and continuous
- Bruce Schneier always inhabits the soundness of error margin of your zero-knowledge crypto protocol
- When Bruce Schneier pre-computes S-box tables, he does it dynamically from the key... over breakfast.